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Leadership Development

When You Suspect You May Be a Difficult Person

We cannot be responsible for how others react when we are in a difficult situation. However, we are totally responsible for our own attitude and actions. The first thing we need to do in a conflict is to ask, "Am I the difficult person? Am I the one who needs to change?" The following guidelines will help you make that determination.

How do you know you are the difficult person?

• If the same types of conflict have arisen in several other relationships.
• If others tell you you're difficult to get along with.
• If many of your friendships seem to dissipate at about the same point in the relationship.
• If many of your relationships remain superficial, lacking openness, transparency, and depth.

What should you do if you discover you are the difficult person?

• Accept responsibility for what you are doing.
• Be quick to admit wrong attitudes or behavior.
• Ask for forgiveness.
• Change your attitudes and behavior.
• Hold yourself accountable.
• Be accountable to those whom you respect and trust.
• Allow them to ask you difficult questions and listen to their advice.

How can you avoid being the difficult person?

• Acquire a basic understanding of personality types and how they interact.
• Develop good interpersonal skills.
• Develop good communication skills.
• Develop good leadership (influence) skills.
• Learn to be kind but firm.
• Observe your communication with others and observe their reactions.
• Choose several friends and solicit their honest feedback.

"Resolve that all men should live for the glory of God. Resolve second, that whether others do or not, I WILL!"—Jonathan Edwards. "Let a righteous man strike me—it is kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it" (Psalm 141:5).

GARY R. ALLEN, D.Min, is the national coordinator of the Ministerial Enrichment Office.