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Leadership Development

Caught in the Middle

"Christians are supposed to value family life—instead, the church breaks it up!"

I could tell I had a critic on my hands. She continued with her grievances.

"Last week my husband and I were at church five days out of seven—services twice on Sunday, prayer group on Monday, elders' meeting on Tuesday and children's program on Wednesday night. And I organize Sunday School closets on Thursday. I see more of the church secretary than my own family."

I nodded, mumbling something sympathetic. She leaned in conspiratorially.

"And you know, the worst offenders are Pastor Jim and Joanne." Uh oh, I thought. This is getting sticky.

"Well," I said, "I guess we all struggle with how best to serve the Lord."

But she was not to be deflected. "Serve the Lord! Why, two of their kids don't even go to church. What kind of—"

I glanced across the fellowship hall at Joanne who, sensing trouble, was looking directly at me. I felt disloyal for even listening to this woman's tirade. Joanne was a good friend and a wise mentor. I told the complaining parishioner I had to check on my baby in the nursery and left. Quickly.

Later reflecting on the incident, I realized the woman had attempted to set a trap. At the time, the pastor and the board were engaged in a power struggle. Married to an elder, she wanted me to choose sides-in favor of her husband. I found myself unsuspectingly caught in the middle.

Getting caught in the middle is insidious and dangerous. In his book Games People Play, Eric Berne describes a psychological game called, "Let's You and Him Fight." In his example, a woman gets two men to fight over her. There are several possible conclusions: she may then pick the winner as worthy of her hand; she may choose the loser as the underdog who needs her; or while the two are fighting, she may walk off with a third man. Regardless of the outcome, she is in control. The game is ultimately a power play.

Christians can play the game too-and those of us in leadership are often caught on the field, dodging opposing teams.

Family members in conflict can also spring the trap. Professionals who do family counseling are often asked by their clients to choose who is "right" or "wrong." The situation is touchy enough in a formal counseling setting where the roles are clearly defined. Outside the therapist's office, in the real world unpredictability of personal relationships, it gets even messier.

Some time ago, a couple—call them Ann and Bob-decided to leave our church. Most people did not know the real reasons for their leaving. I did. Ann confided in me that they really wanted to escape the smothering influences of Bob's family—also church members. Changing congregations was the next best thing to leaving town.

Bob's mother phoned me a few days later and asked what I knew about them leaving. I recited the standard story the couple had been disseminating.

"Oh, I know all about that," she said impatiently, "But what else did she tell you?" She then alternated between pumping me for information and telling me the "real" reasons behind Ann and Bob's marital problems.

I finally told her she should talk directly with her son and daughter-in-law. She said triumphantly, "I knew it! She told you they were leaving because of me, didn't she?"

Finally clued in, I responded with what I hoped was adroit tactfulness. "No Helen, that's not what I said. I really think you need to speak to them about this."

She was intent upon catching me in the middle of a family dispute; I was equally intent on stepping out of the fray.

Both incidents have a common theme: one person using another. The individual steering the conversation, whether in the guise of offering constructive criticism or obtaining information, is trying to manipulate her listener. Each time the tension already existed—between Jim and the board, and between Ann and Helen. Each time I was the pawn in a complex game of psychological chess, maneuvered by one player to achieve some advantage over her opponent.

How can we gracefully extricate ourselves from the middle—or avoid the trap altogether? Here are four suggestions to consider.

Recognize psychological games

Be aware of when a casual conversation has crossed the line into manipulation. Know who has an axe to grind and try to steer conversations along neutral subjects. If all else fails, excuse yourself and leave before the trap is sprung.

Know where your loyalties lie

Whether you are caught in these power games in a ministry setting, in business, or between friends or family members, your support for certain people should be unwavering. Always affirm your husband. when someone criticizes your spouse, defend him. The right people will respect you for it. If you find yourself in the crossfire between the constituency and the person to whom you are responsible, be it pastor or boss, you will be wise (and biblical) to be loyal to the one in authority over you.

Encourage dialog

Whatever the conflict, whether you take sides or remain neutral, you should always advocate a face-to-face meeting between the two parties. "You really should talk with your son directly" is not just a neat sidestep away from controversy—it's scriptural. Jesus encouraged his listeners to talk to one another about their differences. "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you" (Matthew 18:15).

Pray for wisdom

Sometimes all efforts to remain impartial fail and we find ourselves pressured to choose sides. At that point, pray for wisdom.

CHÉRI WALTERS is the minister of worship and arts at West Valley Christian Center in Chatsworth, California, where her husband serves as senior pastor. A licensed minister, Cheri has published over 100 articles and one book, Advice to the Minister of Music: Get A Giant Hat Rack. She and her husband have four grown children.