Community Outreach

Beyond Grief

Janella Hartsell

I must be crazy, Darla Weaver thought, trembling as she dialed the number to a pregnancy crisis center. My abortion was 18 years ago. What am I doing?

Darla's story is like that of thousands of other women. She carried the guilt of an abortion from the day she had it until one frantic night in 2001 when she made that near-hysterical phone call that changed her life forever.

The Set-Up

Darla grew up on a Texas cattle ranch. As a child, she was abused and molested. As a teenager, like many others who have been molested, she searched for real love in a boyfriend, only to find herself pregnant and afraid. She was just 16 and didn't want to abort, but because of various influences in her life, she felt she had no choice. She and her boyfriend visited an abortion clinic twice. They couldn't bring themselves to abort the first time. The second time Darla felt she had no choice.

Afterwards, Darla was miserable and numb. "All I knew was that my baby was in heaven, but I was going to hell. I had to find a way to get to heaven so I could hold him," she says. "My arms actually ached. I missed him that much." So her search began. Turning to a church in Temple, Texas, she found the Lord.

When she got saved, she received some healing from the scars of abuse. The grief over the death of her baby remained.

"Many women who have abortions take years and years to admit their true emotions. We deny ourselves the right to grieve, because we were the ones who took the life of our unborn child. How could we grieve over something we chose?" Darla explains.

Though she was saved, the grief remained. She experienced years of "downhill sliding," falling deeper and deeper into the traps of guilt, anger and shame.

Postabortion Stress

After having an abortion, often multiple abortions, many women experience what is called postabortion stress disorder. Behaviors and feelings include guilt, anxiety disorders, avoidance behaviors, psychological numbing, depression and thoughts of suicide. Women also experience flashbacks, infertility, bonding issues, survival guilt and self-abuse.

"Postabortion stress disorder is a form of posttraumatic stress disorder, like what Vietnam veterans experienced. Abortion is a trauma that affects a woman deeply," Darla says.

Rededication

Darla experienced nearly all of the postabortion stress disorder symptoms. She tried to kill herself twice. She abused drugs and alcohol. At times, she cried uncontrollably. The most long-lasting effects were the numbness, anger and flashbacks of the abortion and the events surrounding it.

A New Life

Three years after salvation, Darla finally surrendered her entire life to Jesus. "I had given my heart to Christ, but because of my past, I couldn't accept God's love and forgiveness." Shortly afterward, she met and married Assemblies of God chaplain and soon to be U.S. missionary Randy Weaver.

Within a few months, Darla went from the valley of desolation to climbing the mountaintop of forgiveness, marriage and ministry. As a chaplain's wife, she found herself in a position to minister to others. She used her testimony to share and pray with women who had abortions.

But still Darla's pain was not completely healed. The abortion wound was still deeply buried, in an area of her heart that she couldn't deal with on her own.

The Final Stage of Healing

Flash forward to 2001. Darla and her husband, still a chaplain and U.S. missionary, had been married 13 years. The abortion was almost 18 years ago. Despite having two beautiful children, and a powerful, effective ministry with her husband, the guilt, shame and anger over her abortion still haunted her.

"On average, a woman won't come for help until 10 to 20 years after an abortion. I have even heard of women who carry their secret to the nursing home before dealing with the pain."

Now recalling her own pain, Darla explains, "In a desperate attempt to learn how to love, I picked up a book in a bookstore, and heard God say, 'I want you to read this.'" The book, titled Won by Love: Norma McCorvey, Jane Roe of Roe v. Wade, Speaks Out for the Unborn As She Shares Her New Conviction for Life, was very powerful. "I identified with it so much," says Darla. "The book encourages contacting your local pregnancy crisis center if you are having a hard time dealing with an abortion.

"So I called and told them that I wasn't pregnant, that I needed to talk with someone about what happened 18 years ago. I thought they'd think I was crazy. But I was wrong. I thought only teenagers went to pregnancy crisis centers, but it turns out they help many middle aged women whose abortions were years and years ago."

The counselor assured Darla that she was perfectly normal, and that she would make it. Through their recommendation, she enrolled in a Bible study called Postabortion Counseling and Education (PACE).

A New Outlook

In this safe community of postabortive women, Darla felt able to share her deepest feelings. She was finally able to accept and believe God's deep love and forgiveness.

What's In a Name

Months before entering PACE, Darla felt a strong desire to name the baby she had aborted. She felt it was a boy, and his name was Joshua. "I know it seems strange at first to people who haven't been through it," she says, "But it was amazing. When I went through the PACE program, naming the baby was one of the things we were encouraged to do. Naming Joshua brought me a type of relief. He was a baby. He was a little person whom God loved."

Every year, as part of the family tradition, each of Randy and Darla's children get a new Christmas ornament. That year, Joshua got one too.

The Beauty of Darla's Story

After completing the PACE program and seeing the miracle it brought into her own life, Darla immediately saw it as a way she could minister to other women. She now leads a local PACE program.

"God loves to use broken people to minister to other broken people. Because of His grace, He can use any heart to minister if it's turned to Him, even if it hasn't been completely healed of its own grief," Darla explains of her ministry before PACE. "But that's the beauty and redemption that comes from following Him. He took my life—my childhood pain, my teenage grief, even my adult emotions—and healed it in such a way that I could identify with other women, and help them find the wholeness I have found."

January is "Sanctity of Life" month. Is God asking you to be a part of the healing process in someone's life? Is it time for you to start the healing process in your own life? He is more than willing to forgive and forget. He will help you forgive yourself.

Darla Weaver is wife of Assemblies of God Chaplain Randy Weaver.